One of the joys of priesthood is getting to work with couples as they embark on married life. It’s always beautiful for me to see these young men and women approaching the Church at this special time in their lives—and it strike me especially when both parties want God to be a part, not just of their wedding day, but of their married lives together.
For whatever reason, that’s not such a common thing these days. Church weddings are becoming less frequent—since arriving in Decatur, I can count on one hand still the number of weddings I’ve celebrated.
It’s led me to thinking: why don’t we see more young Catholics being married in the Church, especially here in Decatur? No doubt, it’s due to a multitude of factors, some of which have more to do with the demographics of our fair city than with any obstinate refusal to have a “church wedding.”
But a few things recently have made me realize: Catholics today don’t seem to know that it is a requirement for them to be married in the Church. Certainly, a civil marriage is enough for the government to recognize the contractual union between two individuals. But if a Catholic were to marry an individual outside of a Catholic Church (whether in a courthouse or in another church without permission), we in the Church consider that marriage to be invalid, which among other things, means that it is not sacramental. Having such an “irregular” union in most circumstances would also mean that one should abstain from receiving communion, although that should be discussed with a pastor or confessor, as there are circumstances in which that might not be the case.
But a good question is: why? The Church doesn’t “require” Catholics to get married in the Church just to be mean or to hold it over their heads if a couple went about it in the wrong way. As always, the Church upholds this standard (of being married in the Church) because there is something supremely good about what happens when a couple stands before God and men and lays down their lives for each other. In that moment, the Catholic Church believes that a Sacramental union is formed between man and woman—and Sacraments, as you well know, confer grace (aka divine aid, the very life of God)! Marriage, as you all know better than I, is hard sometimes…and it’s even harder without the divine assistance that comes with being sacramentally united to one another.
I think back to some of the weddings of friends that I’ve celebrated…there’s something supremely beautiful about watching two people who were first in love with God promise themselves to each other for the rest of their earthly lives. There’s something so powerful about a wedding when it was the couple’s pursuit of God and His will that came first, and knowing that it was that pursuit brought them to each other. You get a real sense that what was happening during that ceremony was more than just what it looked like on the surface—it really was God bringing husband and wife together, completing what He had started, and in fact, beginning something altogether new and exciting. That’s what God wants to do in every marriage.
I’ll be the first to say, we haven’t done the best at promoting the good of marriage in the Church. Too often, the only thing that people know is that the Church has a lot of “rules” around this stuff. But the Church only makes rules in order to guard and protect what is sacred, and marriage is nothing short of a sacred bond.
If you are reading this and thinking: my married life has been complicated, or I don’t know if I can even be married again on account of a prior bond, or I don’t know how to get my marriage blessed, or whatever else it might be, I’ll say this: the Lord has a plan for your life, and for someone who is willing to work at it a little, the Church always has a way forward. The Lord never stops trying to pursue us with His life-changing love. Feel free to reach out and we’ll pray together to find that way forward.
The Lord, I think, really wants to restore and reinvigorate the beauty of the marriage covenant in the midst of our throw-away culture. Where there is brokenness, He wants to give us His grace. How can we work to promote the good of marriage here in Decatur, to revitalize and strengthen what we know is under attack in our culture today?
Keep spreading joy!
Fr. Friedel